Rise and Fall of an Empire (Tweet)
Out went the tweet and I was elevated to the status of a God. Not quite Zeus, but maybe a Hermes. Or an Aphrodite. Yeah, probably Aphrodite.
It all started with a simple tweet. All it took was a few seconds thought, some typing and it was sent off into the world, to be seen by followers few. Little did I know that my life was going to change forever…
First Hints
I was idly walking down the street, my home in view, when two young men sidled up next to me. They spoke to me as if they knew me. Little did I know that they did.
“Can we have your autograph?” I actually looked over my shoulder to see if someone else was behind me. Little did I know, that I was the person they were talking to.
“Su… sure.” I patted myself down. Little did I know that I already knew the answer to the question my probing hands were asking. I didn’t have a pen, is what I’m saying.
Whilst my hands queried my pockets, my two fans asked at the same time if I could ‘do the catchphrase.’ I had no idea what they wanted from me and, probably because of the alarm at such behaviour (also I needed a wee), I quickly walked away with nary an idea of what they wanted from me. By the time I’d gotten home and my wife had asked me to finish making dinner (tuna pasta bake), I’d forgotten all about the encounter completely (until I typed it here).
First Hints: Part Deux (Two)
There I was, nonchalantly pacing down the road near my own abode, when those same two men ran up to me excitedly. Several other people were with them and were equally as excited.
“Look! See! We told you we met him! Hey man! Remember us?” They remembered me and I did indeed remember them, remembering from the first time.
“We saw your tweet! Then we found your Twitter page and we recognised you from the photo!” Everything they said had an exclamation mark, as you can see.
“We didn’t get your autograph last time! Could we have it now?” They thrust a copy of Empire, a magazine all about movies, into my hands. I panicked, patting myself down again, not quite sure why I was signing a copy of a magazine and what tweet they were talking about. I look back on this encounter with a mixture of disappointment and good humour, chuckling as in my mind’s eye I see myself struggling away trying to find something to write with. Later of course, I would prove myself to always be carrying a pen in one of the many pockets I could afford.
“I don’t have a pen.” My voice was meek, mild, like a cup of tea that’s only had 20–25 seconds to brew. But soon I would talk in front of crowds with the strength of a cup of tea that had been brewed for several minutes. Perhaps even over-brewed, with very little milk to balance the flavours. If only this metaphor had been used back then, I wouldn’t have overdone it myself, allowing my life to tumble down the hill, an overdone piece of toast burnt as the wheels came off.
But at this point I knew only that this small group knew me; these were only the first hints at the fame that was to come (hence the subheadings).
They asked again if I could do the catchphrase, and once again I was lost. Eventually I realised they wanted me to repeat what I’d sent in the tweet. Looking at their smiling, positively beaming faces, I couldn’t say no, but what I could say was, “Grrrr… emlins!” They found the whole thing quite hilarious, and their laughter was infectious enough for me to laugh, as well as a passer-by, his child, their cocker spaniel, and several builders working on a nearby site.
After hastily signing whatever they pressed up to my face, I got home and unexpectedly found my wife waiting for me. Unexpectedly as I didn’t think she was home yet; of course I expected to see her later in the day as she was my wife and also lived in the same home I did. The situation was similar vis-à-vis my son.
Hastily grabbing my unread copy of Empire, still in its paper packaging, I hastily opened it. Once I’d hastily ripped the envelope to shreds, destroying whatever freebies and advertising like I didn’t have a care in the world, I hastily turned to the letters page. My heart stopped. It was like one of those movies where there’s a close-up of my eyes twitching from side to side as fast piano music plays, maybe with an overlay of the magazine pages to tell people I’m reading a magazine. My eyes rested (piano music stops) as I found my tweet.
Showing it to my wife provided the response that, in hindsight, was probably the right one all along. “That’s cool! Hey, could you finish cooking dinner while I go get changed?”
I finished cooking, and did the washing up to boot (I had time for this because I had access to Fairy Liquid, the premium brand on the market). The gleam from the metal spoon I had in my hand showed how proud and energised I was by my work being read and recognised. This was my ticket to stardom. All I had to do was grab it and hold on for the ride (proverbial).
Moving to the Big Screen: Television
After a whirlwind time where I told no fewer than eight people about The Tweet, I actually got invited to do a televisual appearance on television, courtesy of the BBC.
Whilst I had no idea that Panorama was still going, when I finally did realise we were halfway through the third question. Still, when the difficult questions came up, I could at least say I handled myself commendably, avoiding the embarrassment of say, Prince Andrew (for one, you could clearly see my pit stains).
I finished the interview and entered the wider world a much wider person (metaphorically; I have an excellent metabolism). Colours seemed brighter; bees seemed buzzier; smells seemed fresher, just like if you use Fairy Liquid’s Triple Blast Dishwasher Tablet, guaranteed to eradicate 99.9% of dirt and grime.
But despite the sunshine in my life, there was darkness too. As that old song goes, ‘You can’t have sunshine without darkness following a few hours later depending on the season.’ My time at home was a shambles. My family didn’t understand me and I didn’t understand them, language notwithstanding. It was like they were aliens from the planet Zip-Zoorp and I was an alien too, but from the planet Earth.
Despite my celebrity, I was still expected to perform household chores. But I just couldn’t remember how to do them. Washing up was alien to me now; even with Fairy Liquid’s excellent Lift Action, duly cutting scrub time in half, I still couldn’t get lasagna off the baking dish. You know the bit I mean — the bit that’s sort of burnt even though you cooked it fine, and you sometimes have to get a sponge. But that’s my point about my mindset at this time — I didn’t even know what a sponge was. Worse was yet to come.
(Pod)Casting a Wide (Inter)Net
The TV appearance had gone superbly and I felt, frankly, fabulous about myself. I’d batted away the trickier questions without much trouble, to the point where both Kevin Spacey and Louis CK called me for my advice on handling tricky PR issues.
I refused Spacey’s call on moral grounds (plus the time difference for a call would’ve been horrible; I was on a meditation-based cleanse in India at the time). CK I ignored after several rounds of both of us taking turns to call only to keep missing each other. I think eventually he got bored too. He left me several voice messages but I could never make out what he was saying over the background noise.
Very quickly I got distracted fielding offers from various social media companies, all of which had six- and seven-figure deals attached to them. The stress of it forced me to quit my job as a teacher and sign a multi-million dollar contract.
I’d settled on a podcast that was created just for me, catering to a wide audience as we picked a different subject to talk about in each episode. Some might say not focusing on one topic was a bit naïve in terms of retaining an audience; I would say that those people who say that thing are wrong and jealous and should know when to go away. You can decide who talks more sense.
The podcast was called Grrrrr… eat times with Matthew D. Smith (not ‘grrrr… eat’ as in ‘greeting’ but as in ‘grating’), and its number one rule was to keep a positive outlook on different topics from all areas of life.
However, each topic had to fit our other number one rule: cater to the catchphrase. At the start and end of each episode, I would announce the title with a long, loud ‘Grrrr…’ as a build-up. In our off-time, my newly-appointed co-host and I would spend hours mulling over which words would fit my ‘Grrrr…’ catchphrase, before we quickly realised we could simply look at the ‘Gr-’ section of the dictionary.
The podcast went viral and we stayed afloat for a long time. I can’t list all the episodes here (I can’t be bothered) but some of my favourites include Gravity, where we talked about gravity, Gravy, where we talked about gravy, and gravity for a bit because we hadn’t quite finished, and Grammar, where I properly illustrated the difference between the pause of a comma and that of a semi-colon.
After one thousand and eighty eight instalments the distributors decided to call it a day due to advertisers disappearing for some reason and I headed off towards my next venture. I would’ve given the great Don Quixote a run for his money.
The Other Big Screen: Film
If someone had told me I’d have made a movie with Denzel Washington and Margot Robbie, I’d have slapped them in the face. Even with The Tweet, the chances of this movie deal happening were so slim, which is exactly how their reps described it when they explained how sorry they were the movie wasn’t getting made.
Anyway, I did a movie with Mike Myers called No to Togo! (original title: Ney to Hawaii!). If you want to see it, I’ve been told it’s on certain streaming services.
Musings on Doctor Freud et al
Freud said that humans are composed of three parts. The Id, the Ego, and the Superego. I know this because it was the only time I got an essay right in A Level Psychology; they accused me of plagiarism, which was quickly overturned when they realised my overall grades were still so low anyway.
The ego of one Matthew D. Smith had grown, in accordance with my fame and bank balance. And thus my behaviour grew with it, but grew in ways that weren’t good. There are several instances I am in hindsight ashamed of, including:
- During a child’s birthday party, I loudly ask my wife why my son is friend to so many uggos.
- I send my manager along for my three year old’s parent-teacher meeting, as I had an interview scheduled on Real Time with Bill Maher. He texts me several notes which I confuse as reminders of things I need to mention re: President Trump.
- Harry, previously my podcast co-host and subsequently my assistant, is sent out to get my wife a birthday present. “You know what she likes.” He doesn’t, and comes home with burnt duck pancakes after mishearing my wife talking about her love of the hit 2011 movie Black Swan, directed by Darren Aronofsky.
- I have an illicit affair with Black Swan star Natalie Portman.
- My wife, who now hates the movie Black Swan, kicks me out of the house and due to my obsession, my life spirals out of control, much like the characters’ lives in the hit movie Blade: Trinity.
My Downfall
I start with denouncing my own original idea, like Jesus denouncing Christianity that time (did that happen? I’m sure it happened).
Gremlins, crossing over with Godzilla? Ludicrous. I post an apology online, mostly focused towards those people who pointed out the clear logical fallacies my idea had. Of course Gremlins would be too small to significantly impact on a narrative that would also feature the King of the Kaijus! If only I’d listened to them in the first place! I had to swallow the frog, because it was the elephant in the room.
I go further and denounce my whole life up until this point, except the good bits. I leave the country for a walking/meditation excursion across Africa and Asia; this trip is cancelled after two days as I receive a text from a Netflix executive offering me millions of dollars to create a sketch show based around my catchphrase. The series is cancelled after one season, but is called a ‘Limited Series’ in order to make the show seem prestigious.
Multi Media Meltdown
Media outlets the world over begin openly wondering whether I’m a has-been and at this point I know my star is fading. I’m featured on several Hot/Not lists on the negative side, along with Gary Busey, Carlos Mencia, and Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu (placed higher than the first two, three places under the latter; it’s still unclear if it’s better to be higher or lower).
What follows is embarrassing, but wholly untrue. A newspaper catches wind of a salacious rumour and pays for an exclusive interview with a Natalie Portman impersonator, who claims I slept with her. Despite several personal details I admit she got correct, I deny on all fronts and point out how this person I’ve never met is of course compelled to make up a juicy story because she’s being paid a lot of money. You can see my rebuttal in my exclusive interview with The Daily Mirror.
My Next Issue
So it’s been a while since I saw my tweet in that copy of the dreaded Empire. I’m due to do another interview with Yahoo! News but they keep bumping me for an exclusive with Katie Price. Eventually I realised it’s never going to happen, despite protestations from my manager whenever he manages to find change to call me from his motel.
My wife has forgiven me and allowed me back into the house. Whenever someone asks me why, I have no idea. “Probably not something to think about too much,” I say quietly.
I promise myself that I’m back to being a normal person now. Every so often I feel the ego bubbling back up, but more and more with each passing day I find it easier to silence that part of me. I know my triggers and I know what’s really good for me: my wife, my son, and Fairy Liquid’s patented new Lift Action Triple Plus Plus, which wipes out the time it takes you to get those dishes clean. Even with those tough stains, the washing up is a breeze with the updated Lift Action and brand new Cool Breeze scent, available in all good stores.
Matthew D. Smith is an idiot. He likes to overshare his views on movies and TV shows whenever and wherever he can. Indulge him, and follow him on Twitter or listen to the actual podcast he co-hosts with Leslie Wai.
