MIDNIGHT REVIEWS The Worst Movies of 2023
Midnight Reviews features reviews and thought pieces written and edited by a parent, at night, after bedtime.
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It’s been quite a year in cinema, with a whole lot to be positive about (see my top five movies of 2023: https://shorturl.at/cjzP8).
But now we turn to the darker side of cinema, where the wicked get punished and wrongs, hypothetically anyway, get righted.
Here is my list of the worst movies of 2023, starting with:
1. Why should anyone get to ‘decide’ which movies are the worst?
Wait, what?
I said, why should anyone get to ‘decide’ which movies are bad?
Erm… well, because it’s a job that people do. Movie critics. They decide which films are well-made and which ones just don’t get the job done.
Okay, sure, but why create a list like this? I understand reviewing a movie, or even a group of movies, and talking about why they’re not quite something for you. But why make a list like this?
Well, it’s just… that’s just how it’s done, I guess. A list makes categorising the movies you’re talking about easier.
I’m not talking about the list format. Not really. We might get into that later. But the ego on anyone who thinks they can decide which movies are the worst? I’m not sure I can understand a person like that.
How do you not understand me? You’re my inner monologue.
I’m not going to get into that.
I did my favourite movies of the year. It’s only right that I list my least favourite. Lots of film critics do it, it helps them sum up the year. Reminds people of great movies that they forgot came out this year.
But we’re not talking about movies you loved.
No, but it’s only right that we get the other side of the coin, as it were. And for people who maybe don’t see as many movies in a year, they can catch up on the ones that critics think are good.
Okay, well…
2. Why does watching a few more movies qualify someone else to decide what a bad movie is?
This seems like a softball question.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, isn’t it obvious? Movie critics watch tons of movies a year, sometimes movies that aren’t on a wide release, so they are more experienced –
Jaded?
Not jaded, experienced. And they’re passionate about movies, clearly, otherwise they wouldn’t spend almost all of their time watching and writing about them.
Pay me to sit around and watch movies all day, then lecture people on the topic of if I liked them? Sounds like a real slog.
Sometimes it is, with some of these bad movies.
Like deciding on which cinema’s ice cream is best. The delicious one, or the other delicious one. So difficult.
Hey, some of the flavours are not so tasty. For every movie that’s great, you get the film equivalent of…
Cherry Garcia.
Yeah.
No one likes that flavour.
Okay, you say critics should get more of a say because they’re more experienced and have seen more movies. Well…
3. Why should YOU get to decide?
Well, for starters, it’s my blog.
Yeah, but again with the ego. To sit there on your comfy chair and think you can dictate what the worst movies are. Maybe you just didn’t understand them.
I understand plenty.
You think because you can remember the three movies James Cameron did with Sigourney Weaver, because you’re some half-baked human IMDb, that you are better than everyone else?
Well, maybe, in this topic, I am?
Is that an intentional question mark?
My arguments have merit.
I bet the presents you gave to people at Christmas were gifts you thought they should have wanted, right? Go on. Tell me it’s true.
Maybe a little bit.
God, the ego on display here astonishes me. And you said critics were allowed to voice their opinion so loudly because they’ve seen more movies than the average person, what with it being their job. But what about you? Part of your ‘Top Movies of 2023’ article was listing movies you hadn’t seen.
Well, not all of us get paid or have a lot of time.
So why do you think you can dictate lists like this? Because you can string a sentence together? Because you know where an apostrophe go’s?
Now you’re just baiting me. I have a degree focused on movies.
I’m just going to sit here and let you read that last bit back to yourself.
I know…
And that means you can tell anyone and everyone which movies they’re going to enjoy? Do you see how egotistical that is?
Hey man, I’m just trying here.
Trying my patience. You don’t even try an original format. “Here’re my top movies of 2023,” then you click submit or whatever and off it goes, into the goop that is the internet to blend in with everyone else’s list.
I guess I feel like my opinion could make a difference and could let people know about movies they maybe hadn’t seen.
…
What?
You wrote at least two hundred words on Barbie. You think no one saw Barbie?
It was a great movie.
It was better than expected, that doesn’t make it great!
Now you’re telling me which movies deserve a spot on the list.
I am your inner monologue.
Look, people like the list format, at the end of the year they like a summary. I’m just trying something here. The best way to create engagement is giving people something familiar.
Is it working?
…
4. Why is engagement sometimes seen as the be-all and end-all?
I don’t know. Because you can get yourself heard?
That’s a non-answer. Being loud doesn’t mean a damn thing.
There are so many different choices to make, so many options people have when it comes to who to listen to when it comes to movie reviews. The thing you have to do is introduce something that is familiar, then give it a twist. As a movie critic you can do that with your tone of voice, your style, your individuality when you present your reasons for liking or disliking a movie. But to make a living, you have to get heard.
Even if that means doing the same humdrum stuff as everyone else?
Some of it’s fun! I liked putting all the Disney movies into a list.
Categorising is not the same thing as expressing oneself.
But you engage the reader with your choice (“Little Mermaid in bottom place? Why?”), and then hook them in and entertain them with your reasons why. Your individuality. Not just putting Little Mermaid in last place because it’ll grab attention, but actually giving a reasoned explanation.
Okay, but…
5. Why do negative articles tend to get more attention than positive ones?
Because people like to see someone on high get taken down a notch. Because seeing or reading vitriol is more entertaining than someone smiling or, God forbid, stating something calmly on the internet. Because negative articles can be funny. Take your pick.
Is there anything in that?
I don’t know. All I know is that people expect a ‘Worst of’ list if you do a ‘Best of’ list. We can’t just take the good, we force ourselves to take the bad as well. People want to hear you spew acid at the quote-unquote ‘bad ones.’ I used to enjoy it. But now I’m not sure there’s any point. I don’t have the energy to question why these movies, that are so clearly going to lead to both critical and box-office damnation, get made.
Because they’re trying something.
But do we need another Star Wars movie, this time in slow-motion?
But why give into that easy impulse, the impulse to get angry?
I guess that’s it. When online, anger equals engagement, plus it’s a win-win situation with an article like this. Either people agree with you, and get angry at the movie. Or they disagree and get angry at you. Either way: engagement!
Wouldn’t it be better to do something else instead?
6. Yes.
What? You just stole the title formatting from me.
I know. I didn’t know how that was going to go, but I think it worked.
I think I like the idea of writing about movies, but…
Are you going to write this list, Mister Movie Critic?
Probably not. This thing is getting pretty long as it is. I’ve read engagement on here stops at around minute –
I don’t care.
Okay!
If you don’t write a ‘Worst of’, but keep the ‘Best of’, will it matter?
7. No.
Please stop doing that.
Sorry. But no, it won’t. I’m just going to stick with celebrating movies. Sure, there are some bad ones, but maybe other people enjoyed them. Just because I liked Godzilla Minus One doesn’t mean I’m going to force it on people. People can make up their own minds. I guess I can just try and entertain with my own little observations, for what they’re worth.
It’s not about categorising or who came first and who came last. It’s about telling stories and, if your story doesn’t quite work, hopefully you can get another chance and try again.
You’re still itching to critique Rebel Moon, aren’t you?
I haven’t even seen it; I just really do not like that man’s work.
Fight the impulse. Breathe. Smile. And let the lights go down. Plus, I think they said they were coming out with some new ice cream flavours.
Matthew D. Smith is a wannabe professional movie critic who is very much looking forward to all the great movies he’s going to see in 2024.
