MIDNIGHT REVIEWS Alien Movies as Gü Desserts
I just keep coming back to these things.
Matthew D. Smith also has a podcast he co-hosts with Leslie Wai. You can find it here.
Alien Movies as Gü Desserts
The Alien movies have a rich, dark, delicious, chocolatey… they have a rich, dark history, I mean. Since 1979’s Alien, partly a response to the blockbusting success of a small movie called Star Wars, we’ve had xenomorphs a-plenty, Sigourney Weaver kicking all sorts of arse and androids both good and bad (and mediocre).
Which is why I decided to compare each Alien movie to Gü desserts. I don’t know why either, I’m not even getting paid for this.
Alien Resurrection (1997, dir. Jean-Pierre Jeunet)
Alien Resurrection is wild strawberry and clotted cream cheesecake.
I tried this once and did not like it. I am sure there are people who do like it, but I do not understand them. And I am sure the makers began this project with the best intentions.
Another to add to Joss Whedon’s pile under ‘my script was misinterpreted’ (this guy seems nice), it’s almost like the other movies are embarrassed for Resurrection. A clone of Ripley that, from the outset, is broken on a molecular level is the perfect metaphor for what the final film became, including an alien-human hybrid that might’ve worked on paper, and might even work for a small amount of people in practise, but just seems bizarre and reckless in retrospect.
At least they attempted something interesting.
Alien: Romulus (2024, dir. Fede Álvarez)
Alien: Romulus is zillionaire cheesecake. Check out my previous review of Romulus, where depending on the day I feel I am far too generous.
Romulus features a ton of ingredients we’ve all seen before. Two androids, one good and one evil (and the good one turns evil, until it isn’t anymore… I think we were promised this film was back to basics?) It certainly looks like the classics we’ve seen before. Look, it even has that sign, the same one as from the other movie. But under any kind of scrutiny this is simply another example of giving us the same ingredients we’ve had before one after the other in quick succession so we say, “Hey, I recognise that!” without any thought as to how they’d mesh.
In its desperate attempts to be like every other Alien movie without a true identity of its own, the one of its brethren it’s actually most like is Resurrection, in that at least they tried something weird and disgusting with the new form of alien. But this is too late, and we have to endure gaping plot holes and even a damn catchphrase before we get there. Ultimately soulless.
Alien 3 (1992, dir. David Fincher)
Alien 3 is a tiramisu cheesecake.
What a rollcall of directors we have here! 1992, however, was early days for Fincher’s movie career, having spent his even earlier days directing commercials along with spells on Star Wars and Indiana Jones movie sets. He was yet to hit the heights of his powers, but it’s nice to know his inclination for taking established ideas and showing them from a new, bizarre angle was something he seemed to have ready-made.
I can understand why some don’t like this one. If the ingredients were read out loud in a list, the experience could be ruined by any one of them. However, despite this strange combination of ideas (tiramisu and cheesecake combined?), a good pair of hands behind it means it’s not as bad as it could’ve been.
Prometheus (2012, dir. Ridley Scott)
Prometheus is speculoos cheesecake.
After a lengthy break between releases (Alien vs. Predator movies notwithstanding, as I can’t stand them), Ridley Scott returned to the helm with Prometheus, with the promise of showing where arch-antagonists the xenomorphs actually came from and the promise of a return to quality the likes we hadn’t seen since the 70’s.
Results are mixed. It’s clear from the prologue that we’re in for something different. Scott attempts the balancing act of providing sequences we’d all know and love (dumb smart people being remarkably calm inside an alien nest; body horror that isn’t too gory, but incredibly unsettling) with fresher ideas in relation to Gods, men and AI. Whether the former worked or not depends on whether you wanted more of the same; it almost felt like Scott had some shackles on when it came to exploring the latter. What could’ve been an exquisite piece of hard science-fiction felt jumbled and, if not confused, then definitely like it had pieces missing.
It can be summed up by having a name that makes some wonder what’s going on and, compared to its brethren, can seem to have delusions of grandeur. It can seem pretentious by comparison. But for those that like this sort of thing, Prometheus has moments that’re perfect. However, the final product just isn’t quite there.
Alien: Covenant (2017, dir. Ridley Scott)
Alien: Covenant is chocolate ganache mousse.
At first, Covenant seems so simple as to beggar belief. After 2012’s Prometheus, everything seems to be boiled down to harsh, dark undertones; smooth lines that don’t attempt anything as complex as what came before. Deceptively simple.
Once you’ve had this enough times though, it dawns on you that it’s actually one of the best. People talk about Alien and Aliens being the top two by a country mile, but Covenant decides to rock up and destroy that party. It brings certain elements back to basics including that familiar idea of workers on a pay cheque given a twist of familial bonding.
The setup is recognisable. After a terrible accident witnessed by Walter (Michael Fassbender, here playing an android that promises a kind AI that helps us shepherd ourselves to that next giant leap), a crew is woken up amid chaos. A new captain must assert himself and decide between a fresh but uncertain course that seems more perfect than perfect, or the projected course that is known and nowhere near as tantalising. Of course, he chooses the former.
On this new promised land, the crew are greeted by David (Fassbender, here playing the kind of android that promises he really doesn’t give a fuck about you), who lies to them every single step of the way including up to an ending that is darkly comic and satisfying in the most macabre way.
It’s here where Scott ups the blood in between scenes of introspection. Nothing near as navel-gazing as Prometheus (this is meant as a compliment to that film, rest assured), and it seems like Scott has the balancing act closer to actually being balanced here. This includes a scene where Michael Fassbender teaches Michael Fassbender to play the flute, assuring him that ‘I’ll do the fingering’.
Technically and visually brilliant. Its darkness is its beauty.
Aliens (1986, dir. James Cameron)
Aliens is a brookie.
Unlike Romulus, Aliens takes what came before, shoves a ton more in and makes itself one of the best around.
Like the original, bare bones characterisation enables us to learn enough about these poor, poor marines before Sigourney Weaver scrambles through, not so damaged physically but mentally completely unhinged from where she started. It’s just this time she’s upgraded from saving a cat to saving a Newt.
The rest is so different, however. Famous for featuring the same base idea and a stroke of genius in marketing when it came to the title, but turning everything else up. More xenomorphs, more guns and a pace equalled only by Cameron’s own burgeoning desire for British film crews to stop halting filming for tea breaks.
Compared to the first this sounds like a risky dessert but in hindsight it was obvious this was always going to work. A brookie is just so good.
Alien (1979, dir. Ridley Scott)
Alien is a double chocolate pot.
Simplicity in itself. And it’s leaner; less fat and more protein compared to all the others on the list, and it’s all the better for it.
Like the better desserts, Alien works because it’s something you can take your time with. The slow start doesn’t just build apprehension but allows us to bed ourselves in on the Nostromo, alongside workers who just want to collect a pay cheque before being forced to the infamous LV-426 by nothing more than company policy. This settling of the audience into the world is something Ridley Scott has always done well. In later movies this strength sometimes covers for a lacking script, but here the bare bones characterisation actually plays its part as snippets are all we need to get to know everyone.
Alien is a stone-cold classic. Others may seem bigger and better, but this is the one I keep coming back to.
So there we have it. All the Alien movies finally compared to desserts — just the thing that everyone’s been clamouring for. If you’re wondering why I did this, I’m still trying to figure that out myself.
What of the Alien vs. Predator movies, I hear you say? Why didn’t they make the list?
I suppose they’re store-brand soft scoop ice cream, I guess.
Matthew D. Smith likes to overshare his views on movies and TV shows whenever and wherever he can. Indulge him, and follow him on Twitter or enjoy the podcast he co-hosts with Leslie Wai.
